My World Has Shattered

I have horrible news.  My mom suffered a third, very severe stroke on Monday morning.  We had been in Ohio over the weekend to househunt in Cleveland and saw my mom on Sunday.  Had it not been for the wheelchair she was sitting in, you never would have known she was not 100%.  She looked great, had a wonderful attitude and even held Audrey on her lap.  We went home to Iowa Sunday only to be called back Monday morning.  I was told that she was blind, paralyzed on her left side and could barely speak but she was able to tell everyone she loved them.  We got to Ann Arbor (she had been transferred to University of Michigan) around 9pm and by then, her eyes were always closed and she was in and out of consciousness.  I believe that she was able to hear us because many times when we'd talk, she'd squeeze our hands or rub our fingers.  Throughout the night - an extremely long and painful night - we talked, told her we loved her and said everything that we ever would have wanted her to know.  I must have told her I loved her over 300 times.  I kissed her often too.  Mulitple times between 1:00-3:00am we talked with doctors to discuss options.  Surgery was considered but it only would have kept her alive, not improve her physical condition.  They expected that she would be severely disabled and possibly require 24 hour care.  We knew she'd never want to live like that.  We did choose to put her on a ventilator to help her breathe.  By morning, she was no longer responding to simple commands because the swelling in her brain was becoming too much.  By afternoon, her heart was becoming strained and the doctors feared she'd have a heart attack.  We didn't want her to go through any more trauma so we decided to remove her ventilator and she passed away on Tuesday at 6:30pm.

I feel a pressure in my chest that is indescribable and it feels as though my breath has been sucked out.  I am grasping at how I am supposed to live for the rest of my life without the one person who knew me the best.  I spoke to my mom every single day -sometimes more than once!  Some people may think that's weird and that's fine.  I think it's incredible that I had such an amazing relationship with my mom.  Who am I going to call?  Who is going to guide me in life?  Who is going to help me when I have questions on how to raise Audrey?  Who is going to remind me what tempurature to cook my pot roast?  Who is going to be my shopping buddy?  Who is going to over-do Christmas but in a way that makes it magical for everyone?  Who is going to give me unwanted advice that I end up following anyway?  How is Audrey going to know how much her Gammy loved her and remember how much she loved her Gammy?  My mom is going to miss Bill's upcoming graduation, our move to Cleveland and being only 2 hours away instead 7, our new house, her niece's summer wedding, taking Audrey to the zoo, taking Audrey to Cedar Point, watching Audrey grow up, our future children and helping me figure out how to raise more than one....I could go on and on.  The pain I feel is overwhelming and I am truly at a loss.

My mom had recently joined Facebook so I plan to print a copy of her page and posts to keep forever.  Posts and emails from my own Facebook page will also be kept.  My dad's blog has also been somewhat theraputic and I plan to have it made into a bound book.  Even the comments left on my mom's obituary's guest book will be kept.  It's important to me to remember the support we receive during this time.  I will also be able to share these things with Audrey so she can see how much my mom was loved and how many lives she touched.

Goodbye, Mom.  May you be welcomed into God's arms to watch over us.  I love you.


Linda M. (Baran) Ericksen, 63, of Sylvania Twp., passed away Tuesday, March 29, 2011, at the University Of Michigan Medical Center surrounded by her loving family. She was born March 21, 1948, to Edward C. and Helen G. (Nemeth) Baran in Euclid, Ohio. Linda's life was centered around her family, pets and home. She was the best pal and companion to her husband for more than 40 years. She especially cherished her two granddaughters. She enjoyed bowling, shopping and vacationing with family. She was a kind and caring person who enriched the lives of everyone who knew her. Many have considered her their second mom. She was a role model on how to live life - simply and fully. She was preceded in death by her parents. She is survived by her loving husband, Evan; her children, Sean (Dawn) Ericksen, Laura (William) Tabayoyong; brothers, Edward (Sannie), Gregory (Dixie) Baran; grandchildren, Mallory and Audrey. Visitation will be Sunday from 2-6 p.m. at the Dowling Funeral Home, 7509 New West Road at King, (King Rd. between Central and Sylvania) Toledo, 419-841-8111. Funeral services will also be Sunday at 4p.m. with Father Charles Ritter presiding at the Funeral Home. Memorial contributions may be made to St. Joseph Catholic Church, Sylvania, where she was a member or the donor's choice.