Two Years

I don't know who wrote this so I can't give credit but I'd like to think that it's from my mom.  She's be gone for two years now and not a day goes by that I don't think about her.  I still miss her so much it hurts and as hard as I try to be happy, a small amount of joy has forever left my life.  I love her just as much as I did two years ago and can only hope that this poem is true because it helps me believe that someday I really will see her again.

It's funny the things that really make me miss her.  Obviously holidays, her birthday, MY birthday, anyones birthday, March 29 but it's smaller things like watching one of her favorite TV shows.  I remember that in the weeks after she died, I was so upset that her TV shows just kept going and that she wasn't going to know what happened with the story line.  I realize that this is silly but I was so happy when the show Brothers & Sisters ended and went off the air a couple months later because then I wouldn't have to worry about it when the new shows started up in Fall again. 

Any reference to the soap opera Days of Our Lives.  As bad as she would acknowlege it was, she still watched that show daily if she was free.  And for YEARS.  I think she started watching the show when it first came on the air over 30 years ago or whenever.

Running out of/breaking/losing things that I got from her.  I have this freakish memory in that I can remember how we acquired almost everything in our house, specifically if it was a gift.  It's not intentional and I'm not trying to keep track of who gave us what, it's just something my brain does.  The point is, I'm always thinking to myself, "my mom gave me this" so when it comes time to throw something from her away, I really struggle.  Even if it's insignificant like a tiny tube of eye cream.

Living here in Cleveland where she was born and raised.  When traveling around town or going into older buildings, I can't help but wonder if my mom traveled the same roads or went to the same places; where did she hang out and have I followed her path.

Any special event for the girls (ballet lessons, swim lessons, school shows) that I think my mom would have wanted to go to.

Songs that I remember her singing or liking.  Books she and I used to read together when I was little and am now reading to the girls.

Cooking certain dinners that she used to make.

Having dreams about her.  I've had a few over the last couple of months (that I remember at least) and in each one I knew that she wasn't there to stay - she was just coming in to give me a hug or to visit and I felt SO happy.  These hit me the hardest when I wake up.

Okay, so maybe some of are totally normal but even I can admit, that TV show thing is a little weird.  I don't really wish that all of her favorite TV shows would go off the air but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it.  :)  The point is that I see my mom everywhere and as hard as it is sometimes, I really wouldn't have it any other way.  She'll always be with me but I still can't wait until I can see her again.  Until then, I will find comfort in this poem and hope that it's true.

I love you, Mom, and miss you so much.