Two Years

I don't know who wrote this so I can't give credit but I'd like to think that it's from my mom.  She's be gone for two years now and not a day goes by that I don't think about her.  I still miss her so much it hurts and as hard as I try to be happy, a small amount of joy has forever left my life.  I love her just as much as I did two years ago and can only hope that this poem is true because it helps me believe that someday I really will see her again.

It's funny the things that really make me miss her.  Obviously holidays, her birthday, MY birthday, anyones birthday, March 29 but it's smaller things like watching one of her favorite TV shows.  I remember that in the weeks after she died, I was so upset that her TV shows just kept going and that she wasn't going to know what happened with the story line.  I realize that this is silly but I was so happy when the show Brothers & Sisters ended and went off the air a couple months later because then I wouldn't have to worry about it when the new shows started up in Fall again. 

Any reference to the soap opera Days of Our Lives.  As bad as she would acknowlege it was, she still watched that show daily if she was free.  And for YEARS.  I think she started watching the show when it first came on the air over 30 years ago or whenever.

Running out of/breaking/losing things that I got from her.  I have this freakish memory in that I can remember how we acquired almost everything in our house, specifically if it was a gift.  It's not intentional and I'm not trying to keep track of who gave us what, it's just something my brain does.  The point is, I'm always thinking to myself, "my mom gave me this" so when it comes time to throw something from her away, I really struggle.  Even if it's insignificant like a tiny tube of eye cream.

Living here in Cleveland where she was born and raised.  When traveling around town or going into older buildings, I can't help but wonder if my mom traveled the same roads or went to the same places; where did she hang out and have I followed her path.

Any special event for the girls (ballet lessons, swim lessons, school shows) that I think my mom would have wanted to go to.

Songs that I remember her singing or liking.  Books she and I used to read together when I was little and am now reading to the girls.

Cooking certain dinners that she used to make.

Having dreams about her.  I've had a few over the last couple of months (that I remember at least) and in each one I knew that she wasn't there to stay - she was just coming in to give me a hug or to visit and I felt SO happy.  These hit me the hardest when I wake up.

Okay, so maybe some of are totally normal but even I can admit, that TV show thing is a little weird.  I don't really wish that all of her favorite TV shows would go off the air but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it.  :)  The point is that I see my mom everywhere and as hard as it is sometimes, I really wouldn't have it any other way.  She'll always be with me but I still can't wait until I can see her again.  Until then, I will find comfort in this poem and hope that it's true.

I love you, Mom, and miss you so much.

Helmet Mold

We had the mold of Vivian's head made today for her helmet.  Within the last month, her head grew 4mm, 2mm in each direction, so the flatness ratio didn't change.  Luckily we had gone in fully expecting to get the helmet so we took that news with a grain of salt.  To make the mold, they used the stuff that casts are made out of and wrapped that around her head.  She was such a trooper!  Didn't cry once.

Here she is waiting with Daddy and playing with a package of the mold stuff.

 

This was a protective wrap for her hair.

"Don't I look so stylish?"

I was trying to get a pic of the top of her head to show the flat part but it doesn't really come through well. If you look hard, you can kind of see the asymmetry of the lower left side, where the flat part is, to the right side. 

Here's the first section of the mold material on her head.  She also now has tape and marker across her forehead. 

Getting the other pieces put on.

 Finished mold.

We go back in 2 weeks for a 2 hour! fitting - which, thankfully, Bill will also be able to attend - and then will go back for checkups frequently thereafter.  We learned that while we should have the helmet on as often as possible, there isn't any harm in having it off for short periods.  This means that she won't have to wear it during the upcoming wedding we're attending and the millions of pictures that will be taken!  This makes me feel so much better about the whole thing.  I mean, we'll have her wear it all day anyway but I won't feel badly now about those few occasions when I want it off.  We also got to pick a design for the helmet so we picked a pink one with butterflies.  Hopefully it looks cute in real life.  I'm at peace with this, I truly am.  It's better for Vivian in the long run and that's all that matters.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Hi Mom,

You would have been 65 today.  I hope you have a great birthday and are celebrating the first day of Spring (although, it's still snowing around here so that's not much to celebrate!).  I think I shall visit Starbucks to get a frappucino for you.  We both know it's what you would have wanted.  Sending you big hugs and know that I love you so much and miss you tons.  Happy Birthday!

xoxo,
Your Favorite Daughter

Viv Helmet Update

See here for part 1 of this topic.  We met with the physical therapist on Friday who found that Vivian has a mild case of torticollis on the right side of her neck.  Torticollis is a tightening or shortening of the muscles between the shoulder/collarbone and neck. This has made that side weak and explains why she doesn't roll over.  Her neck isn't strong enough to pick her head up and flip it over.  It also likely causes her discomfort so she shies away from it.  We were taught a series of stretches and excercises to do daily and we'll see the therapist once a week for at least the next 6-8 weeks.  Since it was caught so late, we'll have to work extra hard to fix it.  So far she hates the stretches but is progressing really well with rolling over.

Unfortunately, it's too late to avoid the helmet.  The therapist really put it into perspective for us.  Her analogy was that if Viv's teeth were crooked, we wouldn't think twice about getting braces to straighten them out so why would we debate straightening her HEAD?  From a medical standpoint, she said that so many muscles are connected to the back of the head that we should get it fixed to put Viv in the best possible position (literally) to avoid future issues.  We want her head and neck strong and having it flattened isn't optimal.  UGH.  I hate logic.  We still haven't heard from the insurance company if it will be covered but I think we're going to pay out of pocket if needed.  If Vivian is going to be a superstar ballerina like her big sister, she needs to have a strong neck line.  I have to joke about it to keep from crying.  I keep telling myself it's 3-4 months in a funky looking helmet for a lifetime of a normal head.  I just hate that it's going to be over her first birthday, during a week long trip to the beach and then all summer.  Plus, I think we'll get to see what it feels like to be stared at and pitied.  People will assume the worst about her and I want to tell all of these people off premptively.  Maybe I'll make her helmet a sign that says "Cranial repositioning in progress" or maybe "What are you staring at?" or better yet "Back off bitches!"  Or perhaps it's best that I don't make a sign at all.... Anyway, now that the decision has been made, I'm anxious to get everything started.  Unfortunately, we don't get the mold made until the 27th and now I feel like we're losing precious time.  The sooner she gets the helmet, the better her chances are of it working.  Her skull is still growing and hasn't fused closed yet.  Once it does, the helmet won't work anymore.  Stay tuned for updates and what are sure to be super stylish pics of the helmet.  On the bright side, when she starts walking I won't have to worry about her falling and cracking her head open.

Pentatonix

Two Wednesdays ago, Bill and I went out on a school night!  We got a babysitter and headed down to the House of Blues to see the a capella group Pentatonix.  They were the season 3 winners of NBC's The Sing Off and they are phenomenal.  Check out their website or find them on YouTube but these 5 people have crazy talent.  Their beat box/percussion guy also plays the cello.  In a contest, he came in second to play with Yo-Yo Ma.  If he came in second, Bill and I really want to see who won because it's hard to believe that anyone is better.  It was such an amazing concert and it was really fun to see them live.  I'm serious, if you have some time to spare, find some of their videos on YouTube.  You won't be disappointed.

9 Month Checkup

Vivian had her 9 month checkup today.  All is well.  She's 17 lbs 2 oz and 27" long which is 25th percentile for both.  (Audrey was 16 lbs, 26" at 9 months.)  A couple of these are blurry and extreme close ups because I was just goofing around with her.  I still think they're cute.  :)

Cranial Helmet

Our little Vivi has a flat head on her back left side.  So flat, that she's undergoing the process to be fitted for a cranial helmet.  She's been such a sound sleeper since about 10 weeks old that she really doesn't move in the night.  Pair this with the fact that she's still not rolling over, and you have a child who sleeps in the same exact position for 12 hours a night which creates a flat spot.  Luckily, she's just crossing into moderate severity and won't experience any developmental issues.  Still, it's not fun to think she may have to wear a helmet to keep the rest of her head in place while the flat spot rounds out.  She'd have to wear it for 3-4 months, 23 hours a day.  :(  We've seen two doctors, including a neurosurgeon, and an occupational therapist who specializes in the helmets.  While the helmet is not 100% necessary, it would definitely fix the spot.  There's a chance, however, that Viv's case isn't severe enough to be covered under insurance and we're waiting to find out.  In the meantime, we've signed Viv up for some physical therapy to see if they can do anything for her but our first appointment isn't until this weekend.  Sigh.  I really don't know if this is something I want to put her through or if we should just rely on her hair to cover up the flatness.  I feel like the helmet is the right answer though but I guess we'll wait to see if insurance covers it and then go from there.  We should find out in the next few weeks.

My Little Chef

We decided to make brownies on a whim the other night and I had the best little sous chef helping me.  She remembered that she had gotten aprons for Christmas - my mom had 2 stashed away for her - and Ninang AyAy had also sent one before.  Audrey proudly announced that meant that she owned 3 aprons!  Told you she can add.  ;)  Anyway, after fixing the still long/large apron to get it to fit, we got to work.  Audrey wanted to help with everything so I let her try.

Look at her concentration!

Ta da!

Waiting.....

and waiting.....

and waiting some more!

The brownies were seriously some of the best we'd ever had.  I highly recommend the Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate.  That's what I'll be buying from now on.

Pretty Name

The girls' doctor's office writes the kids' names on the exam table paper before you enter the room.  They always do something cute but this is one of my favorites.

More Ballerina Pics

Because she's just so darn stinkin' cute, here are more pictures of Audrey the ballerina. You'll have to excuse the clarity - I was taking these through a window that had blinds.

Another Party!

The day after the birthday party at the aquarium, we headed to a local community center for another birthday party.  This time, a boy on our street was turning 3 and there was a  "construction site" theme.

Viv and her friend Emelia: